Monday, January 31, 2011
Rainbows and Hugs and Such (Nightly Mutterings)
Sometimes I wonder how people do it. How do they manage to be so nice and happy all of the time? Is it normal? Does it come naturally to them? Is it like some kind of strange disguise that they just throw on so that we don't know their inner torments?
I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. I'm a relatively cheerful fellow. Sure, I might have the tendency of being a tad too instrospective about things that don't really need to be introspected, but that's been a part of my character since I was about eleven years old. This eventually leads to little slight depressions, and these slight depressions lead me back to writing. So it's all good. It's my cycle of life. Because really, I can't imagine what my life would be like without being earnest to the world about when I'm feeling down and out. I've got my moments and I'm not afraid to let it all out.
There are just some people I've gotten to know over the years who almost seem like supermen. They are incredibly nice. They are beyond what I would ever expect for myself. I adore them, and I don't understand how they're able to keep it up. I don't see how it is physically and psychologically possible for someone to be that 'up' all of the time regardless of the situation. Naturally, from this lack of understanding, I tend to come to the conclusion that they must be faking it at least part of the time. But maybe that's just not the case. Maybe that's what I'd like to believe rather than accepting the truth.
It might just come naturally to them. The reason it doesn't come quite as naturally to me is because I'm too damned introspective. I tear myself apart and try to find out all of the little flaws and the way all my cogs don't seem to fit together quite as snug as they should. Even while I don't do all that much to actually get around to fixing this 'snugness problem', I like to know what things are out of line. I like to do the same for other people as well. I may not tell them straight out that 'they have such and such flaw', but it's certainly rolling around in my mind.
I'm sure I'm not the only one that has the insecurity that maybe I could be happy by scrapping those habits. That maybe I just stick with them because they're comfortable and formed since childhood. Maybe dissecting the mechanics of everyone's psyche isn't the best choice when you're attempting to connect with others.
It's not that easy being green. Cause you're not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water, or stars in the sky. Wait... what's with me and frogs lately? And Muppets? Enough is enough...
This is the part that always gets me to smile. Everytime I think that maybe I should just do a one-eighty change and become everyone's teddy bear, a realization dawns on me. In truth, I love being pessimistic. It's true! I love it! Everytime I've attempted to be something that I'm not (consistently jolly), I creep myself out. It's like I'm not even living in my own skin. The only time I really feel like myself is when I let my logic and mind take over and let them do the work. It's when I have the most fun, it's when I feel the most comfortable about myself, and most importantly... it's when I feel like I'm simply me. I'm happy because I do pick apart everything that I see. Just as long as that element of myself is kept in check and I'm kind and courteous to others, why change it?
Sure, there might be some people that are genuinely 'wonderful happy' people, but I'm not one. I try to be a nice person to the best of my abilities, but I'll be the first to admit that it isn't always my first reaction. More often I'm just a smartass. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's beautiful. And I think that's what I wanna be. Not a total smartass, mind you. Just as much of a smartass as I truly am.
And after making this discovery for about the tenth time in six months, I am filled with great joy. I shall now commence jumping up and down all over my room and rocking out to some Pink Floyd. Good night all you crazy wonderful people!